‘Because, Covid’
Who is sick of this excuse already?
I’m so over it.
From pandemic week one we started hearing this from every supplier of every thing ever. Even before any effects of the ‘rona could feasibly have begun to kick in to supply chains.
Now we also have to hear it from friends, relatives, and business colleagues, as an excuse for, well, almost anything.
Here are my personal thoughts on why ‘because, covid’ is a thing, why it isn’t quite the ‘easy out’ it might seem for social situations and why we are doing ourselves a disservice if we carry this tragic old world trick into our post-pandemic lives.
Who’s doing it?
All of us, probably. At least, I would guess that it has crossed most people’s minds. But there some particular reasons that we feel we need an excuse to stay at home when we already agreed we would go out-out.
Not ready
Some people are understandably experiencing mild agoraphobia right now, and are taking the steps to the outside world slowly and tentatively. And that’s ok. You have no need to be ashamed of that, you are far from alone.
Some also have more important life things that need to be prioritised over a social. It shouldn’t make them feel so guilty not to be going out that they feel the need to use the C-word as an excuse for non-attendance at a social event. Your life is your own.
Give me a break!
For a lover who feels it is too risqué to meet their beloved in such dangerous times, I have less sympathy I’m afraid. I call bullshit on those who use covid to avoid romantic meetups. If you are using ‘because, covid’ ostensibly to keep yourself and romantic partner ‘safe’, you need to grow some balls. I refer you here to the man so desperate to see his girlfriend that he crossed the Irish Sea from Scotland to the Isle of Man “on a jet ski”.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-isle-of-man-55280466
This guy was jailed, fined, apologised. No harm done, and I’m willing to bet his girlfriend was thrilled. Because, goddamnit, dangerous or not, that was just so romantic! Not that I am suggesting risky behaviour like this is necessary to impress the girl or guy of your dreams. But surely, meeting your lover alone in a beer garden, masked and distanced (if you really must) is worth the now practically non-existent risk? If you ‘because, covid’ them, they’re unlikely to ever forget it.
Quiet
Another reason we bring the lame excuses out, is because sometimes we are embarrassed to admit that we just really don’t want to go out. Especially this is true for introverts.
The world always seems to be overrun with extroverts. Now that we are allowed to, these unfathomable creatures are trying to gather us all together immediately so that they can socialise themselves silly. It can be overwhelming for those who are naturally more introverted.
A facebook post I made a while ago with a link to MBTI test showed me that a surprising number of my connections are also introverts. The one obvious extrovert on the thread claimed (very loudly, of course!) to be totally shocked that we were all introverts. Maybe she was so busy out there extroverting that she just assumed that most of the population is the same way.
The popularity of Susan Cain’s book ‘Quiet’ proves that people on the introverted end of the scale are more common than was previously assumed. If this is you, although you may not necessarily be shy, you might need to take a break sometimes if you are low on social energy. Hence you feel that you need a last minute excuse to stay in, so as to avoid explanations.
But, I don’t want to get sick
Of course you don’t, no one does. You have agency, therefore you can decide whether there is a risk and if it is worth taking. Just as you do with anything in life (crossing a road today anyone?) If you decide going out is too much of a risk for you, and you’re better off at home, then good for you for knowing your own mind. I salute you.
However, if you know in your heart you are using ‘because, covid’ disingenuously, also know that to say this to your friends does kinda suggest that they don’t care if they make you sick. If you don’t want to go, just don’t.
Believe me, it will make you feel grubby if allow yourself to gloss over your own guilt about letting people down, by turning it into a guilt trip for people you care about. It’s just mean. Unless you have a genuine C concern, give them the truth and you’ll all feel better about it.
Faux Altruism
And while we are on the subject of the ‘selfishness’ of socialising, I’m calling bullshit on the altruism card full stop.
The fake selflessness of those who imply that they are virtuously ‘keeping others safe’ by staying at home, is a particularly repugnant facet of the ‘because, covid’ excuse.
If the ‘others’ in question were worried, they wouldn’t be out. If they see the risk as worth taking, isn’t that up to them? On that note, I doubt anyone wants you to ‘save’ them. Would you force your friend into your car and whizz them over to A&E at 100mph against their will, because you thought they could, potentially, get sick soon? No, of course not, and you would expect to either get a punch in the face or be locked up if you did.
Again, tell them the truth, don’t pretend you are doing your bit to ‘save lives’, that old chestnut wore thin yonks ago.
Checkmate vs Authenticity
Just like in early 2020 when we all knew that it wasn’t always entirely true when the other person put you off because ‘work is crazy busy atm, I just can’t get away’. Sometimes it was a thin excuse, one that the recipient is cannot argue with.
We’ve all done it, I’m no exception. It is easier to feel you are being kinder, saving a friend’s feelings, than telling them that you are actually tired and can’t bothered to see anyone other than your dog/kid/husband/Netflix. You feel especially guilty if you have booked a date weeks or months in advance.
It’s the same with ‘because, covid’ — who can argue with that reason? It would be tantamount to saying that this person who is selflessly sacrificing their attendance at a fun social event for the greater good, is a liar, and you can’t say that. Well I’m saying it, you are a liar. To boot, I’m going to go one further and say that it all smacks of one big ego trip masquerading as benevolence. Sorrynotsorry.
However you deliver the news the outcome is always the same: you don’t see each other, and the friend likely knows when it is an excuse.
Real friends will accept your reason with compassion when you tell them: ‘I’m having life struggles and can’t be arsed with this’ or ‘I don’t feel like it because I’m in desperate need of some fucking regeneration this weekend’. If you don’t know who your real friends are by now, or at least, who are not, then you have wasted this year and have some catching up to do.
It’s too hard!
Don’t want to take the risk you might offend or leave yourself too open? I feel you. It is hard to speak from the heart, when you could easily dispense a comfortable lie.
All I can suggest is that you trust yourself to have chosen great friends, and then to go out on a limb and put your trust in those people to understand and support you.
Every time you give someone that tiny lie it is like a slightly poisoned apple, and that poison builds up gradually, eventually causing permanent damage to the trust they have in you, as their friend.
So be clear, and kind. If you let someone down sometimes all you need to do is to own it and they won’t hold it against you. Personally I know can be too blunt, in over-correcting my natural aversion to any kind of confrontation. I’d recommend just trying for balance, and having faith in people.
Many people have been changed by events of the last year, and some time spent looking inwards has forced us into a period much needed self-reflection. I would be very surprised if authenticity and honesty haven’t replaced some of the more superficial values on most people’s lists. I know that I would much prefer to hear your real reason for postponing our meetup, as a way to understand you better, and even perhaps connect on a deeper level.
What you gain by being real
One upside of being truthful and open about your rain-checking with your friends, is that because good friends will understand it will reinforce for you who those gems really are, for you to continue to cherish. Bad friends, bad people, are the only ones who would take how you choose to deal with your life as a personal slight. In practical terms this allows you to filter out any meanies who should not be trusted with your feelings.
This isn’t to suggest that you should let down friends at any opportunity, to test their loyalty. But if you do need to bow out of something once in a while, and their reaction is supportive, you will get a warm glow knowing you are in safe hands.
If you really don’t trust someone to graciously accept your decisions, then go ahead and rain-check with a lie, but don’t arrange to socialise with that person again, ever.
This situation can be turned into opportunity to open up to people, if you want to. If you are having a hard time and are a ‘talky’ kind of person, this can be the catalyst to start those conversations. Similarly though, a trusted friend will also understand if you want to give your reason but not linger on the subject for too long.
Don’t forget that sometimes the person you cancel on will be secretly relieved, and a mutual blow-off can happen, without you knowing it! A mutual blow-off is when you both want to cancel, so you both have an excuse ready, and whoever shoots first loses. This is a bit mean though, imo. If your friend is open enough to tell you they are not feeling sociable, and you just fess up with ‘well I am a bit tired anyhoo, so am totally glad you cancelled!’, this can open the door to more meaningful conversations between you, and greater mutual understanding.
And for those introverts who sometimes just don’t fancy going out, I know the feeling. This is not a new thing for me either. But sometimes, maybe you should just go — you might even like it!
One way or the other, life is too short for ‘because, covid’.
